Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
