just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
