wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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