the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
