it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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