I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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