I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
my liver is dry heaving
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
