If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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