I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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