her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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