somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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