I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Randomize
