apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
