im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
