Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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