Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you win again, gameday.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's rum buckets o'clock
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
