I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
