I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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