mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
