Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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