when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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