I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Randomize
