I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
