Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
