I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
