Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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