I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I stole a fireplace last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
