I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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