she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
