I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
