I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
