WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I think your dad took our porno
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
