I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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