I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
