shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
This baby is an asshole
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
