I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
