The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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