mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
