Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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