so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
