Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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