Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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