Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
