i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
