Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
