I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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