if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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