Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
