We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
