i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
