Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
